sunday reading

Everything was so random. As a girl, I had fallen in love with Mario, but I could have fallen in love with anyone: a body to which we end up attributing who knows what meanings. A long passage of life together, and you think he's the only man you can be happy with, you credit him with countless critical virtues, and instead he's just a reed that emits sounds of falsehood, you don't know who he really is, he doesn't know himself. We are occasions. We consummate life and lose it because in some long-ago time someone, in the desire to unload his cock inside us, was nice, chose us among women. We take for some sort of kindness addressed to us alone the banal desire for sex. We love his desire to fuck, we are so dazzled by it we think it's the desire to fuck only us, us alone. Oh yes, he who is so special and who has recognized us as special. We give it a name, that desire of the cock, we personalize it, we call it my love. To hell with all that, that dazzlement, that unfounded titillation. Once he fucked me, now he fucks someone else, what claim do I have? Time passes, one goes, another arrives. I was about to swallow some pills, I wanted to sleep lying in the darkest depths of myself.  - Elena Ferrante, "The Days of Abandonment"

thoughts on Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things

Last night I was supposed to sleep early. I wanted to hit the sack earlier because I've only had four hours of sleep the night before and I wanted an energized mind to focus on work the next day. However, the past few days all I really wanted to do was read the gazillion books in my Kindle. One of those books was Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things - a collection of letters from her famous advice column Dear Sugar published in The Rumpus. And boy was I hooked.

Strayed's voice in Dear Sugar is one that's compassionate but full of wisdom. The letters from her readers vary from existential questions to downright depressing real-life stuff. There's a lot of heartwrenching stories that makes me feel ashamed of my personal problems. It's the right amount of kick-in-the-ass reading I needed to get over myself. Some people do have real problems. And the best thing is, even those of us who are, more or less, simply self-absorbed, there are stories that hit you and make you realize you yourself have encountered that same dilemma, that same self doubt and Sugar's advice are like these soothing words that let you know there is always hope, your thoughts are not trivial, and everybody's fighting more or less the same battles. This book made me feel less alone.

Here are some of my favorites so far:

advice on new and old graduates alike:

"You don't have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don't have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don't have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don't have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts.

You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that's all."

advice on women about being self-conscious about their bodies especially with regards to sex:

"I know as women we're constantly being scorched by the relentless porno/Hollywood beauty blowtorch, but in my real life I've found that the men worth fucking are far more good-natured about the female body in its varied forms than is generally acknowledged. 'Naked and smiling' is one male friend's only requirement for a lover. Perhaps it's because men are people with bodies full of fears and insecurities and shortcomings of their own. Find one of them. One who makes you think and laugh and come. Invite him into the tiny revolution in your beautiful new world." 

and this one's short and sweet but packs a punch for self-absorbed me.

"There are so many things to be tortured about, sweet pea. So many torturous things in this life. Don't let a man who doesn't love you be one of them."

REAL-FUCKING talk.

So the next morning I did what I usually do with most things I obsess - Google them to no end. I chanced upon Cheryl Strayed's interviews [1, 2, 3] and this article on Thought Catalog [quite surprised since I've given up on Thought Catalog]. To say that Cheryl Strayed is inspiring sounds like an understatement to me now. Just today, I feel the need to read all my college required readings, to set up a writing table and embrace my sucky writing, and to be compassionate, open, and relentless in achieving my goals. That's just me reading her interviews. Her novel Wild will be the next on my reading list that's for sure.

Cheryl Stayed's advice on writing:

“You have to surrender to your mediocrity, and just write. Because it’s hard, really hard, to write even a crappy book. But it’s better to write a book that kind of sucks rather than no book at all, as you wait around to magically become Faulkner.”

This applies not only to writing but mostly any creative work worth doing. And since we're on that subject I'll include George Saunders advice too [one that actually allowed me to pause and think about what exactly is my "natural mode"].

“You go up the mountain of your idol,” he explained, “but when you get to the top, you realize they’re already there, and that mountain is never going to belong to you. So, you go do your own thing and it’s more of a shit-pile than a mountain at first, but it’s yours. It’s your shit pile. And that’s not nothing.”

Saunders followed this up by encouraging us to think about our “natural modes” in order to infuse our writing with our own unique energy. For example, think about how you are when you’re hanging out drinking in a bar with your friends. Are you a naturally funny person? Then maybe it would be easier for you to write something humorous rather than trying to force yourself to pen some verbose, elitist, nihilistic manifesto because you think that’s more ‘legitimate’ for some reason. “You can’t run from who you are,” Saunders said. “Not your brain, not your inclinations, or your experience. So accept your shit – run toward it, use it.”

on feminine writing

"And why don't you write? Write! Writing is for you, you are for you, your body is yours, take it. I know why you haven't written. (And why I didn't write before the age of twenty-seven.) Because writing is at once too high, too great for you, it's reserved for the great - that is, for "great men"; and it's "silly." Besides you've written a little, but in secret. And it wasn't good because it was in secret, and because you punished yourself for writing, because you didn't go all the way; or because you wrote, irresistibly, as when you would masturbate in secret, not to go further, but to attenuate the tension a bit, just enough to take the edge off. And then as soon as we come, we go and make ourselves feel guilty - so as to be forgiven, to bury it until the next time." - Helene Cixous, The Laugh of the Medusa

starting the week right

Believe it or not, the delays you are experiencing while running up against obstacles are actually quite valuable. The additional time you have prior to attaining your goal allows you time to refine, finesse, and sophisticate whatever you are about to offer the world. Use it. Don't waste it. (TSLL)

I had coffee with a dear friend today. I actually initiated it because I needed an objective ear. I'm glad I asked for help. Sometimes I get too caught up with just doing my thing I forget I have great friends around me who can lend an ear or two. It just feels great to be understood. It feels great not be trivialized. And with that I'd like to list a few cliche reminders that I need to keep in mind every single day.

(1) Stop overthinking stuff. It's a mood killer. It's self sabotage. Stop. Just stuff, I mean stop. (I can't help myself lol). If you find yourself overthinking, play QuizUp.

(2) Continue being honest with yourself. Even if you hate Boy Abunda's imaginary mirror, it's good to be self-aware and keep checking if this is really something that you truly feel/want/care in your heart of hearts. No bullshitting, no pleasing others. 

(3) In light of the previous point, be compassionate to yourself. Treat yourself like a friend. The self-inflicted "verbal abuse" is not helpful at all. Imagine yourself as your friend, half of the negative things you say to yourself, you would never say to your friend. 

(4) Take-up space. Let your presence be known. Speak-up. Everyone thinks the world revolves around them. If you can't beat them, joiners! Being too careful, too self-conscious is no fun. 

(5) Fail better. Emphasis on better.

(6) Let go of the small things. But first, identify what you consider "small." I swear it's important. 

(7) The only opinion that matters is that of your family, friends, and people who actually know a thing or two about what you're going through. And whatever it is, you don't need approval from anyone. Know yourself enough to decide for yourself. 

(8) Spend more time with friends. You know it makes you really happy.

(9) Just write. Write anything. Anything at all. It doesn't matter. Just get into the habit of writing.

on hipster culture and luxury

Lately my most favorite thing to do is buy groceries. I mean... I like buying groceries because I want to cook more often and, let's face it, it's just so satisfying to open a fridge full of food. No wonder I'm getting so big these days. I get so excited shopping for "pantry staples," which, in my case, translates to hoarding all the main ingredients needed for a pasta sauce. Thus, I wanted to buy myself a real cookbook and start cooking other stuff for a change. I began browsing Amazon and came upon this cookbook. It's not actually a cookbook but I was intrigued because it appears to be one of those magazine/books (mooks) that combine food essays, food photography, and recipes. I was determined to purchase it right before I read this review, and then I realized am I big phony? It struck a chord in me because I'm not really a food person but the sight of rustic food served in beautiful china on a warm Sunday afternoon in a country-side barn (you see where I'm going with this?) is like a dream come true. I want to be the Barefoot Contessa basically. It's kind of a dream life. But it made me question my aspirations. Is it really a good thing to aspire all these? Am I pretentious? Somehow I feel like such a superficial human being for aspiring this "Southern-France dinner scenario" like hunger does not exist. Reading this review made me stop and think about what our society has become nowadays. I don't think it's a bad thing to like beautiful things but I think there's a need to draw the line if I start buying things beyond my means just to keep up, show-off, or pretend in any way or form. 

Here are the great (eloquent) quotations from said review:

It's rare that a cookbook would evoke such vitriol, but after I received The Kinfolk Table: Recipes for Small Gatherings, I was livid. I realized that this wasn't a celebration of food and gathering and the magic those two ignite, this was the sound of one hand clapping, a coffee-table book devoted to the very "cool" artists and Web celebrities from across the country. The narrative principally centers on the people, not the food, which would be fine if that were the intention. Without a clear narrative and culinary journey, we're left to merely weave in and out of kitchens like a spool of thread, but we're not invited to linger. Rarely do we see the fruits of the contributors' labor and the gatherings they so fastidiously rhapsodize. The Kinfolkers drive miles for mussels and set a formidable table in their outdoor barns. Theirs is a life of a cultivated beauty that serves up the illusion of simplicity. In reality, the Tao of Kinfolk is nothing more than understated affluence and luxury. Theirs are gatherings where meals are photographed with a thousand-dollar camera; where everyone has clean skin, shiny hair, and ebullient optimism; where kids play around the paddock. Theirs is a world that exists for few.

All of this raises a question: Were the recipes in this cookbook tested in a real kitchen so we, as consumers, may be certain the chemistry is on point? Was the cookbook proofed by professionals (of the editorial and culinary varieties)? After thumbing through three-hundred-plus pages, it occurs to me that the Kinfolk cookbook is a variation on a single theme: the creation of a life lived in an Anthropologie catalog. It's the reason why we get lost in blogs and the lives of strangers. We want to be happy, always. We want a life free of storms and sorrow. We want our linens, and bowls, and kitchens with reclaimed wood -- and in this way, Kinfolk succeeds, for its America is rarefied and specific, rife with denizens who are preened to dishabille perfection and apply pretty filters to their photos. I recall a similar charade: GOOP. While escapism looks lovely on paper, in practice it's difficult and expensive. You don't need a book to tell you how to gather, you don't need a formula to cultivate simplicity. Find the people you love, a space to lay down plates, and a meal that binds the two.

hny

People keep what they really feel, their private thoughts, to themselves. They don't have time for their private thoughts. They have the capacity to love, but it's too much time and trouble, so they just ignore it. It's all bottled up. We're in a society that hates emotions. They are rejected as being anti-intellectual, anti-political, anti-everything. We're animals with brains. People all over the world have inherited the disease, firstly of feeling that money is the answer to their lives' problems and then secondly that intellectualism is an answer to their problems. We need to stop intellectualizing so much and rely on what you feel. If you feel something, it's true. The only truth you can really know is something emotional that you feel. When we lose our instincts for truth, we have nothing.  - John Cassavetes

oh these cold nights

I've read the most poignant piece of writing. Fits well. In my head, I've planned some major and minor changes I'll be making for the next year. I'm just like the next human being, I guess. Right now, I'm perfectly content sitting on my father's kitchen table, catching-up with the internet world, feeling grateful for the time spent with my family, and being content with how the year unfolded. And then I read this. As always, I wished I could write something so spot-on as this. Might be something to add to the major/minor and "all that shit." 

Chelsea Fagan's words...

I can write about you in every forum except the one you might read — well, even then I might write about it, but I’d dance around your name like a fire whose warmth I want to feel without quite being burned. Yes, if you’re wondering, it’s about you. That open letter, that song lyric, that wink and nod in your direction that is not quite explicit enough to call me out on directly. I want you to see my words and be motivated enough in them to take the first step yourself because, no matter how much I want to burst into your life with the truth of exactly how I feel about you, I know that I am not going to.

You would likely be upset if you knew how much I thought of you, how much what you are doing with your life factors into my daily routine. The world tells us we are supposed to live in cold, disparate camps of “together” and “separate” — but what about those who fall into neither category? No, we are not together. No, there is no part of you that I can lay claim to and nothing I am within my rights to demand, but are we really separate? Is the degree to which you have touched my life unimportant because it hasn’t been sealed with some kind of title?

And “I miss you” — is that only appropriate to someone who has left, someone you imagine will come back or at least longs to do so? What about the people who have never fully entered our lives, who have passed by it like a shiny car driving just slowly enough to get a glimpse at the people inside? Are we allowed to miss someone whose presence we sensed in our very bones, someone every fiber of our body told us we should have reached out to but did not? Is there an acceptable way to phrase “a nostalgia for something that never quite happened,” or is that a sentiment which is relegated to the pathetic spectators of life?

We praise honesty the way we praise kindness, and a lie of omission is still a lie. So I suppose, by that definition, I am lying to you each day that passes in which I do not say “I think about you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish my fear was something I could put aside and forget for even a moment.” I don’t mean to lie, you know. In a perfect world, I would be the kind of person who feels something with great conviction and acts upon it with unerring focus, who is sure of themselves in a way that radiates confidence and puts others at ease. If I were this kind of person, I would have come to you so long ago. I would have told you everything I really felt.

(Yes, even about that one night where I told you I needed to talk and then let you go home with a “never mind.” You and I both know that what I wanted to say was “Every time I see you from across the room and don’t talk to you, it is a punch in the stomach which reminds me just how much of a coward I can be.” But who wants to actually say that to someone at a house party?)

But I have long since accepted that I am a coward of this nature, that I am happy to write letters to myself instead of sit down with the one person who needs to listen. I will listen to music which at once dulls the more acute pains of not having the courage to be honest with you and allows me to imagine the life I could have if I did. I will lie awake some nights, looking at your name, only a click away. I will hover over your name and consider writing you, finally getting everything out that I feel dirty for not having said, and accept that even a flat “no” is preferable to hanging suspended in the unknown. But then I won’t, and I’ll pretend as though it never crossed my mind. And you will ask me how I am at a party some day, and look at me as though you really want to know, and I will say “I am fine.”

lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

I was watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother and fell in love with this song and the words uttered during the last few minutes of the said episode. Dammit Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. :( 

"There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be…’Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.’ And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means…’the thing that is almost the thing that you want…but it’s not quite.’ Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously.It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm…filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body…in your hands…in your heart…in your stomach…in your skin…Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone does eventually. You just never know when or where."

It makes me think of someone.

mulling

From That Kind of Woman. I did not write this; but it speaks volumes to me. 

Sometimes it hurts. Just growing up. Changing, growing. No longer are you the person you were yesterday because the nights changed you. The days changed you. All the guarantees in life become marks on a timeline instead of moments. We all get broken hearts, nights where the queazy fulfillment of alcohol turns to morning headaches and squinting eyes at the sun. We all punch our pillows until we fall silent, our muscles worked to exhaustion. 

We all wake up and stumble, barefoot to the daylight readying ourselves for our day. We interact with merchants, and sellers. We all see the advertisements that tell us what to be, what to buy. Some of us fall victim, some of us continue on. 

We all sigh heavily at the disappointment of the day. Or throw back our heads and laugh at the glory. We all kick off our shoes. Most, if not all, take moments to scroll through captured words, moments and memories that helps us get over the day, or cherish it. 

Sometimes, you get pushed. Beaten. Sometimes you get lifted, celebrated, cherished. 

Most times you just get up and do what you need to do. Even though it hurts. Because one day it’s not going to hurt as bad. One day you will wake up, after all the hard work, and realize the person you changed into isn’t someone different but just more… well you. 

raining

thoughts exactly

1. Moments that make a best friendship. (made me smile inside. I'm blessed.)

"Staying up all night. -What best friendship is complete without at least one night that doesn’t end until you look around and blearily realize that the birds are up, the mail is being delivered, and somehow the universe has continued to exist and bustle around even without your participation? Whether narrowly avoiding arrest, hitting three parties in one evening (if only for the free food), or simply talking about everything you need to get off your chest, nights spent up with best friends are the emotional equivalent of a spa day."

2. 15 signs you're growing up. (Can this article be any more true?)

"When spontaneous adventures are discussed, you enthusiastically agree to be a part of them… then the overthinking, play-it-safe feelings finagle their way into your brain, taming your wild desires. Typically the end result is you backing out, and doing something peaceful like wine and Netflix."

3. Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter. 

"Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit."

4. 17 ways to relieve stress. (Actually, it's more like ways to prevent stress. But bull's eye nevertheless. Mine's getting way out of hand. Time to get a grip.)

"Don’t invest too many feelings in reality television contests. Whether it’s Survivor, Big Brother, Amazing Race or one of those “finding love” competitions (e.g. The Bachelor) — avoid developing a strong liking for the contestants. Eventually you’ll find yourself entirely devoted to the show, scheduling your day around its new episodes and caring immensely who is eliminated."

5. What's your type? (Remember that moment when you read an incredibly relatable piece of writing and wish you wrote it yourself? Well, here we go.)

What I really want to say is not the name of an actor I find attractive, but the name of a movie, book or song I really like, and hope that this hypothetical guy would like it too. I’d like to tell her that I want someone who would be okay with a comfortable silence in the instance we ran out of things to talk about, instead of forcing me to participate in meaningless small-talk. I’d like him to be optimistic, someone who genuinely believes there is more good than bad in the world, but won’t drive me crazy with inane pep-talks when I’m in the mood to be cynical. I want him to know how to tease me and tell me the truth without hurting my feelings. I want him to tell me when he likes what I’m wearing, as I’ve probably changed my clothes six times trying to decide what he’d like best. I want him to laugh when I spill my drink or slur my speech because I’ve had a bit too much alcohol, as I can judge myself enough for both of us. He wouldn’t be perfect, of course — maybe he’d tell stupid jokes or he’d always be late, but I’d put up with him because he puts up with me. He’d like my friends and I’d like his and we’d spend lots of time at bars and clubs with them, but I’d know he’d also be content to hang on the couch with just me, watching re-runs of a 90s sitcom together.

Bonus: And this... This is just special. (A film as metaphor for a girl. Brilliant)

He always had a girlfriend, always, he had four or seven or ten of them during that six months and I could never, ever understand why one of them wasn’t me, like I was in the queue behind all of the classics, all of the blockbusters, I was that film someone recommended that you weren’t really sure you wanted to watch in the first place, that film that had no critical reviews and no stars. I have always been that film.

...

"He knew why he wanted to kiss her. Because she was beautiful. And before that, because she was kind. And before that, because she was smart and funny. Because she was exactly the right kind of smart and funny. Because he could imagine taking a long trip with her without ever getting bored. Because whenever he saw something new and interesting, or new and ridiculous, he always wondered what she’d have to say about it—how many stars she’d give it and why."

— Rainbow Rowell, Attachments 

today

"She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed, and to love and be loved in return."  — Starra Neely Blade

3:57am

"My true convictions are to make something beautiful, be successful, and experience genuine connection to people." - Lulu Chang

advice from the graying edge

Earlier today I had an "Aha!" moment because of this article.

I'm not sure what the hell happened, but I've been thinking a lot about life and death lately (not in a creepy kind of way lol) since I finished watching Revolutionary Road. (Btw, I am totally joining the Kate and Leo bandwagon. Such phenomenal actors) Oh well, who am I kidding, I always think about life especially if you have all the time in the world to think. Welcome to my world.

This article from the New York Times entitled "Advice From Life's Graying Edge On Finishing With No Regrets", written by Jane E. Brody, is quite timely for my daily uphill climb. There's nothing really revolutionary about it, but it's a very good read to keep present and future goals in perspective. It's a summary of the most common and prevalent advice from the elderly, mostly in their 70s and 80s, who took part in a survey for the book entitled "30 Lessons For Living." Brody's introduction, summary, and conclusion were on-point, succinct, and insightful. I particularly like the advice on Career, Marriage, Regrets, and Happiness.

"ON MARRIAGE A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other.

An 89-year-old woman who was glad she stayed in her marriage even though her young husband’s behavior was adversely affected by his military service said, “Too many young people now are giving up too early, too soon.”

ON CAREERS Not one person in a thousand said that happiness accrued from working as hard as you can to make money to buy whatever you want. Rather, the near-universal view was summed up by an 83-year-old former athlete who worked for decades as an athletic coach and recruiter: “The most important thing is to be involved in a profession that you absolutely love, and that you look forward to going to work to every day.”

Although it can take a while to land that ideal job, you should not give up looking for one that makes you happy. Meanwhile, if you’re stuck in a bad job, try to make the most of it until you can move on. And keep in mind that a promotion may be flattering and lucrative but not worth it if it takes you away from what you most enjoy doing.

ON REGRETS “Always be honest” was the elders’ advice to avoid late-in-life remorse. Take advantage of opportunities and embrace new challenges. And travel more when you’re young rather than wait until the children are grown or you are retired.

As Dr. Pillemer summarized the elders’ view, “Travel is so rewarding that it should take precedence over other things younger people spend money on.” Create a bucket list now and start whittling it down.

ON HAPPINESS Almost to a person, the elders viewed happiness as a choice, not the result of how life treats you.

A 75-year-old man said, “You are not responsible for all the things that happen to you, but you are completely in control of your attitude and your reactions to them.” An 84-year-old said, “Adopt a policy of being joyful.”

The 90-year-old daughter of divorced parents who had lived a hardscrabble life said, “I learned to be grateful for what I have, and no longer bemoan what I don’t have or can’t do.”

Even if their lives were nine decades long, the elders saw life as too short to waste on pessimism, boredom and disillusionment."

And somehow I managed to find myself here as well.

lovely advice

Health:

Drink plenty of water.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
Play more games.
Read more books than you did in 2011.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours.
Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you are awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

Call your family often.
Each day give something good to others.
Forgive everyone for everything.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

Do the right thing!
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
The best is yet to come.
Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

via: (iamyourlung)

brandy wine blues

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.”

— Thomas Moore

the holiday

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. 

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

Iris: I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. 

today

I just can't afford any more delays and you're one of those fish that causes delays. -J. Mary Poppins

must remember

"The thing about life is that you must survive. Life is going to be difficult, and dreadful things will happen. What you do is move along, get on with it, and be tough. Not in the sense of being mean to others, but being tough with yourself and making a deadly effort not to be defeated."

— Katharine Hepburn