hny

I told myself I won't make lists like this anymore. Haha. Well that lasted for about a month. First of all, Happy New Year. It's 20freaking15. 2014 was a great year, and I wish 2015 would be a better year.

When I look back to what exactly went down, all I can say is that I had a lot of growing up to do. I was alone for the most part, and I was also with a lot of very close friends for certain times of the year. The simultaneous change from solitude to socialization has confused me to say the least. I love and hate being alone and being with people, if that even makes any sense. This is important for me to explore because a lot of my learnings/yearnings/realizations stemmed from the fact that I may be alone forever and the desire to  become a better friend. Both have become major preoccupations as I reach my late twenties.

I'd like to make a list of the things I'd like to learn/practice/incorporate into my life for the new year.

1. Cultivate the "abundance mentality." Good God. Where have I been all these years and why haven't I read about this before? It's one of those things that I feel is the answer to all my problems. Like really. I realized I've been living with the scarcity mentality which made me competitive of other people instead of being competitive with just myself. This scarcity thinking has, I think, also made me a very selfish person. By changing my perspective into that of abundance, I allow myself more positive thoughts. The idea that there is always enough for everyone, that there is no need to clamor, to fret, to panic that maybe "this is it" and I need to fight everyone to get my share. No. Let go because there's more than enough for everyone. I want to fully embody this thought process. It's such a refreshing thing to think about. It frees up any space of petty competitiveness, ill-thinking, and catty behavior. Hahahaha. Can I get any more new-age? Whatever. I'm writing this shit down and I'm pasting these on the walls of my apartment. Yeah, walls!

2. It's okay not to always fuss about your looks. For the past years, silently, I've been obsessing about how I look. The need to look your best and the need for people to always acknowledge this is, of course, a recipe for disaster. I'm not saying I'll let myself go and stop taking baths. I just want to shift my focus into cultivating my mind instead or, better yet, my personality. How to do that exactly is another question. I just want to stop feeling inadequate just because I don't look like a model. In reality, the most beautiful people is a combination of confidence and self-awareness and spunk. Beautiful people, for me, also includes those who've experienced hardships and came out the other side stronger and with more empathy. I want to be one of those people.

3. Just to become a better friend. I want to give more emphasis to the existing friendships that already mean a lot to me, and I can just count them with my own hands. I want to practice more kindness in this department. Adult friendships have become more complex as the years go by. I would think it's because of the adult changes that all of us are going through. It's been a complicated ride - the single, the boyfriends, the other friends, the babies, the old friends, the new friends, the real-life presence, the virtual presence, health, sickness, birthdays, break-ups, etc. It's not just drinking all day anymore. Life changes have made us different people, people who are not as carefree and light as before but people who have been jaded, bitter but stronger and wiser and more interesting than before. Because of these changes, the relationships have also undergone a different route, one where we also need to adjust our expectations along with our "new" selves. In the end, the golden rule still applies - treat your friends the way you want to be treated. 

4. Get back in shape. It's alright to be that uncool person who jogs, who eats her veggies, and who sleeps at 10pm. These days, it actually comes easy for me and I want to continue all these things. I don't like when I don't have a good sleep. I feel awful when my shit's not on time. I feel sad when I can't run/jog. The food department is perhaps the one that needs the most work but hey I'll get there. One more thing I'd like to add is a new healthy activity that I haven't done before. I'm thinking about "gym" or "pilates." LOL. This will be a search because I want something that I'd truly enjoy doing. Yesss, I have become that person.. 

5. Write. Read. Write. Read. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Regardless of what career aspirations I may have, I just want to do more reading this year. In the last few months of 2014, my love for reading has been reignited. It's been awhile. It's like this sleeping lion inside of me and now I feel like it's awake. I used to read voraciously as a child. I enjoy borrowing 5 books at a time in my school library - heck even our community library - and just read in my room like there's no house chores or homework to be done. I even get sad when I finish a book. Sometimes I read them again right before I get to the last chapter just so I can prolong the ending. But somehow college has stripped me of my desire for the written word. I hated literature then. I felt like everything was so pretentious. However, recently, I'm starting to seek out "literature" again. I've fallen in love with words again - words, phrases, sentences so beautifully strung - it makes me smile all alone in my room with just my books. I need to keep this fire alive.

So there ya go! Looking forward to the new year! 

2014 highlights

I'm back home for the holidays. It's raining like crazy in my hometown. This non-stop rain is kind of affecting my mood. It's gloomy and wet outside, way to match what I'm feeling tonight. Before I get to my so-called 2014 tralalala, I'd just like to acknowledge that I'm so fucking pissed the Boston Celtics traded Rajon Rondo to the Dallas Mavericks. This is completely out of topic but this news has really dampened what little Christmas spirit I had left. I'm doing breathing exercises as I write. But as I've said, I digress (big time).

On to more positive things, I'm quite content with what transpired this year. Actually I'm trying my best to understate what I truly feel about 2014 because I'm that kind of cuckoo person that feels suspect when something good happens. It's annoying. What I really want to say though is that 2014 was/is great. In contrast to what I had to power through the past couple of years (I'm looking at you 2010!), let's just say 2014 was the kickstart to better things I'd always hoped for, and I'm pretty confident it's only going to get better (well, at least, that's what I'm forcing myself to believe in).

1. I quit smoking. Though I still had a few digressions in between (all because of the next two things I'm about to list), I could say confidently though that I beat that evil voice inside my head saying I couldn't ever ever stop. That I'll probably die smoking. After writhing on the floor for the first few weeks (months) of quitting, I still can't believe that there are many many days now that I have not thought about cigarettes anymore. That in itself is one of my biggest achievements. Ever!

2. I finally broke my ridiculous asexual state (three fucking years of celibacy) to a gorgeous, gorgeous stranger. I'm in the process of writing a novel about this one night. I'm that kind of person. Still it's one of those things that I prayed for. Jesus heard me this time.

3. I traveled to Europe, particularly Paris and Amsterdam. I never thought in a million years I would be able to do it at 28. It was totally unexpected, incredibly exhilarating, and undeniably one of the best times of my life. Superlatives ba kamo?

All these things (and everything in between) involved a lot of self-centered realizations. There were a lot of self-introspection, relationship recalibration, and acceptance. I'm jogging regularly. I still have a long way to go weight-wise but I think it's very doable. I want to travel more. Just like the next person, my wanderlust has been ignited because of that Eurotrip. I had a taste of solo travel too which bolstered my confidence about travelling alone. I cannot do one-night shenanigan(s). I want a real relationship. I'm thankful for all these, all things considered. I want to do more in 2015.

you don't even know

The number of unpublished stuff I've had for this blog is rivalling the number of posts I have actually published. I write mostly diary notes these days so it's too private to share - though in all honesty, I do want to share them. As I wrote each and every one of these diary entries, I realized just how much I always want to share what's going on in my private life. It's like my personality never learned the word "too-much-information." For a time, I silenced that part of me. I defied my natural instincts and tried to be the quieter, meeker, more formal version of myself. Nowadays, I feel like it's a disservice to polish these so-called rough edges. As time goes by, I feel the need to go back to my old self -- that self who couldn't care less what other people think, who grabbed life like there's no tomorrow, who did what was most exciting and expressed her opinion without caring if people would like her or not. That self was so self-assured she was equal parts fun and annoying. I want to be fun and annoying again.

that night

I like that you were decisive. You chose the place and all I had to do was say "near" or "far". Of course I said near. I was surprised you chose such a rosy place. I thought this would be a beer night and nothing more. Nevertheless, it couldn't have been more perfect.

There was never any expectation; that's probably why I enjoyed the night the most. But who was I kidding. I did expect some things. I expected to flounder. I expected to sit there and endure the evening. I expected to be someone else when all else failed. I even planned to bring a deck of cards with me in case we run out of things to talk about. But then we had all night long.

As I stepped foot in the cabana, I noticed you were nervous - fidgety even. I thought it was charming given you were never the nervous type. I was sweating like a pig. Good thing I have never felt so beautiful. I made sure of that. The way your eyes looked at mine while we were engaging in standard small talk was a rare thing - something I'd always remember. I began to feel that sense of comfort, one that's accompanied by the voice inside my head telling me that this was going to be a good night.

the crush that never goes away

"If you hang onto an unrequited crush for months or years, you start putting more and more importance on that (mostly imaginary) relationship. That relationship (that guy/gal) in your head becomes this huge thing, and you start thinking that no one else will ever be able to live up to how amazing that person is and how amazing you are together, even though you're not really together, which can make you feel like convincing this crush to love you is going to be your only shot at real love. So you hang around waiting for that person to change their mind and waste a lot of time with that waiting."

When something's bothering me, I instinctively find myself reading this popular (and sensible) forum. I won't say the name because it's embarrassing enough that I'm quoting a forum. Jesus Christ, Aika. And as I was reading this, I'm chucking all alone in my room. Chuckling at the truth that's staring right on my face. The truth hurts but - I gotta say - it's funny as hell too. Just the thought of pining after someone... ugh the horror. I can picture a girl sitting on a tree waiting for the apple to fall until it's ten years in and still no apple at all. Simply put, it's a waste of time.

But I can never get over the fact that these types of situations bring so much drama. And because of that, it's addicting. You'd like to hold on to that unrequited shit like it's going to save your life. Uhmm no! Every little thing you watch, every music you hear, every little quotation you read becomes about them. Dramarama is fun but after sometime, we just want the real thing. Thus, we need to open-up the field, shouldn't we?

I want to try to make sense of it all. How to get over someone who never gave a damn about you in the first place. How to stop writing about someone who would never even give a thought about you. The sad thing is I think unrequited infatuation is harder to get over with because nothing ever happened; thus it leaves you with so much imagination to pine about, to fantasize with, and to keep holding on. Buti pa yung naunsyaming relasyon alam mo agad wala na. Natuldukan eh!

It's just amazing how human emotions work. The more someone disregards you, the more you'd want them. But I have to say, it's so damn time to move on. I'm hopeful that when I finally take that third person stance, see the situation from the outside, I can finally see the truth and move on. It's a waste of time, beauty, and thought process when I could have spent it with someone who could potentially give a damn.

starting the week right

Believe it or not, the delays you are experiencing while running up against obstacles are actually quite valuable. The additional time you have prior to attaining your goal allows you time to refine, finesse, and sophisticate whatever you are about to offer the world. Use it. Don't waste it. (TSLL)

I had coffee with a dear friend today. I actually initiated it because I needed an objective ear. I'm glad I asked for help. Sometimes I get too caught up with just doing my thing I forget I have great friends around me who can lend an ear or two. It just feels great to be understood. It feels great not be trivialized. And with that I'd like to list a few cliche reminders that I need to keep in mind every single day.

(1) Stop overthinking stuff. It's a mood killer. It's self sabotage. Stop. Just stuff, I mean stop. (I can't help myself lol). If you find yourself overthinking, play QuizUp.

(2) Continue being honest with yourself. Even if you hate Boy Abunda's imaginary mirror, it's good to be self-aware and keep checking if this is really something that you truly feel/want/care in your heart of hearts. No bullshitting, no pleasing others. 

(3) In light of the previous point, be compassionate to yourself. Treat yourself like a friend. The self-inflicted "verbal abuse" is not helpful at all. Imagine yourself as your friend, half of the negative things you say to yourself, you would never say to your friend. 

(4) Take-up space. Let your presence be known. Speak-up. Everyone thinks the world revolves around them. If you can't beat them, joiners! Being too careful, too self-conscious is no fun. 

(5) Fail better. Emphasis on better.

(6) Let go of the small things. But first, identify what you consider "small." I swear it's important. 

(7) The only opinion that matters is that of your family, friends, and people who actually know a thing or two about what you're going through. And whatever it is, you don't need approval from anyone. Know yourself enough to decide for yourself. 

(8) Spend more time with friends. You know it makes you really happy.

(9) Just write. Write anything. Anything at all. It doesn't matter. Just get into the habit of writing.

a rainy Monday and The Good Wife rant

Let me paint a picture.

Mondays are usually my off-days. I did just that today. I had a good sleep. I woke up itching to turn on my music player and start cleaning my apartment. This has been my usual routine. Sometimes the music fails to pump-up my energy but not today. Today, I was pumped more than ever. I was singing my heart out while cleaning my place - first my bed, then the dishes. I even cleaned every single tin can of oil in my cupboard. Talk about energy eh?

I took a shower and did my groceries. I cannot emphasize enough how doing the groceries makes me so happy. The last touch of my grocery routine involves purchasing a large glass of house-blend iced tea. This iced tea and a fresh bottle of wine will accompany me as I cook my comfort dish - plain, no-nonsense spaghetti with tomato sauce. My day was set. I cooked dinner. I downloaded the latest episode of The Good Wife. I ate my spaghetti masterpiece while watching The Good Wife. The day was supposed to end with me tucked in bed reading Lucky Peach magazine and drinking more wine. 

However, the reading and the wine had come to a full stop. The last few minutes of tonight's The Good Wife episode left me dumbfounded. I could not cry. I'm simply stunned. I'm in denial. I love this show. I love how the litigation cases are unique from episode to episode. I love the interesting dynamic between Alicia (The so-called Good Wife) and all the cast members, most especially Will Gardner. Simply-put, Alicia and Will were star-crossed lovers. They always had bad timing. They were very much attracted to each other but their circumstances, much like real-life, is no less than complicated. Again, they always had bad timing. There's a lot more to be said about the series's plot. Suffice it to say, politics, power, and love always contribute to a great story. The Good Wife is just that show - interesting, unpredictable, and addictive. 

And now, Will Gardner is gone.

As a long-time TV addict, regular characters don't usually die. Heck they don't die without notice. In Filipino TV, they don't die at all. Worse they die and come alive in the most unbelievable manner. But today, watching Will's lifeless body on-screen made me wish this show would have a deus-ex-machina. An unbelievable bizarre maneuver where someone would come and save the day. Instead, I was faced with the unpleasant version of art imitating life. How realistic it is to simply lose someone in an instant. It's sad.

The reason I watch TV is that I want to get away from life even for just a little bit. I'm slightly ashamed to admit that but it's the truth. It's like the moral lesson of The Life of Pi. We tell ourselves stories to survive. TV is no exception. TV, for me, is a distraction. 

Tonight's The Good Wife episode did not make me cry. Sad? Maybe a little bit. Stunned? Hell yes! A part of me wants to ditch the show for good but that's just me lying. As much as I hate to admit it, I think this would be a great plot stirrer. I am very much interested to see how Alicia will grieve and cope with Will's death.This reminds me of Lexie Grey's departure from Grey's Anatomy. The infamous plane crash episode that left me crying for days (not kidding on this one). Both came as a surprise. 

I'll end this post with a quote from WSJ.

"Fans turn to movies for drama, but they turn to long running TV shows for something else as well–familiarity. A TV series can be a kind of comfort food, a televised hamburger, and week after week we sit down for a TV dinner with characters we know and sometimes love. We want drama, but we don’t want too much. That’s why Capt. Kirk always beams down to hostile alien planets with a bunch of unnamed crew members. They get killed, he survives." 

I couldn't agree more. However, as upset as I am at the moment, I cannot deny that unexpected fictional deaths such as this make for a good story. It adds depth to the remaining characters. But then again, I'm still upset. Josh Charles had incredible performances in the show. I'm not just saying this because his character's gone. Nope. He's truly a great actor - great at balancing subtle and intense emotions. It just makes me more pissed just thinking about it.

If I need my "comfort" fix, it won't be The Good Wife. Tonight, it will be the stale wine that's sitting on my desk as I write this rant. Tsktsk.

i miss you blog

Oh my blog how I miss theeee... I actually started a new one last October and guess what I stopped writing on it as well.  Hahaha. The site is pretty good though so maybe I'll get back to it in the next few months. wink wink. But this one is my dear diary so dear diary it is.

Random life updates:

1. I have finally found the perfect tea, Twinings Four Red Fruits Tea. Random ba kamo? Haha. I mean I have never liked tea even though I have tried to force myself to like it because you know it's supposed to be healthy, and I wanted to inject some healthy into my otherwise very unhealthy lifestyle. Good honey is the key, yesss!

2. New songs that make me happy --> Ho Hey by the Lumineers and Run by Matt Nathanson feat Sugarland. The beat of Ho Hey makes me dance in my panties (scary right?) and Run is just so fucking hot. Hot! Makes you wanna make love right here right now.

3. I'm a bit ashamed to say I have finished watching a number (gazillion) of TV shows. Somehow it makes me feel I don't have a life, which, let's face it, is pretty much the truth. Hahaha. I'll share my in-depth thoughts on the following TV shows in another post: Hart of Dixie, Parenthood, Friday Night Lights, Everwood, and Big Bang Theory. Friday Night Lights is one of the most well-written shows I've watched. As for Big Bang, I'm kicking myself for not watching this show sooner. Tanggal stress. And Raj is so adorable.

4. This next random bit is embarrassing. I've joined the online dating hoopla. Desperate much? It was funny at first, tamang jam-jam lang sa online dating until I went on my first date. Eeeks it was not good. I mean what did I expect. Get engaged? Haha But at least I have a fun story to tell. Mejo na phobia nga lang ako. It's hard to put yourself out there and will yourself not to expect anything. Too much work for now.

5. I feel great pleasure reading about the Knicks and the Nets demise. Evil, I know. I'm not expecting much from the Celtics these days but lately they're doing great. I'm very much invested in their progress. I can't get enough of Jeff Green and I'm patiently waiting for Rondo's return. All I want for Christmas is a ticket to the TD Garden. Haha.

That's it for now. :)

free flow again

I've got a lot of unpublished stuff. Sometimes I'm not really sure why I'm still blogging. I should probably just get a physical diary and word vomit using my own penmanship. Mehh... Too much work. It's easier to type these things. I'm trying to censor myself sometimes because...

Since 2013 began A LOT has happened. It would have been nice to write about my Barcino experience. How I wish I wrote about discovering the most incredible documentary known as The Eye Has to Travel. Diana Vreeland spoke to me. I haven't even put into words some of my travels last year, or how I have airconditioner in my room now. Even Christmas and New Year's. I believe I was in the moment during a few of those occasions and most of the time I only write when I'm extremely happy, sad, or frustrated. Everything in between is hit or miss. That makes me so not a writer.

Last week was a test of physical, mental, and emotional strength. I broke one of my toes two weeks ago while painting my shelves. Then I got sick sick. Living a not-so-exemplary lifestyle, I should have seen this coming. Of course when people get sick they realize how important health is. Well, I'm people. In response, I got crazy. I stopped smoking completely (okay 1-2 cigarette after three days with no cigarettes at all. that's big coming from a one-pack smoker). Now I'm eating breakfast religiously. Yes, I'm eating three meals a day with morning and afternoon snacks. Small, frequent feeding is what it is. I went as far as shopping for "vegetables, fruits, fish" so that I can cook. And boy did I cook. No meat, no coffee, lots of water. 

And then I decided to enroll in a yoga class.

I want to recount my entire first yoga experience for another day. Right now, I feel like I've carried a bazillion sacks of rice. Everything in me hurts like a bitch. I'm going back tomorrow. I never knew stretching here and there would actually lead me to discover a whole new world of pain (whilst doing it and after doing it).

The question now is how to keep doing all these good things. I really need that damn diary.

oh these cold nights

I've read the most poignant piece of writing. Fits well. In my head, I've planned some major and minor changes I'll be making for the next year. I'm just like the next human being, I guess. Right now, I'm perfectly content sitting on my father's kitchen table, catching-up with the internet world, feeling grateful for the time spent with my family, and being content with how the year unfolded. And then I read this. As always, I wished I could write something so spot-on as this. Might be something to add to the major/minor and "all that shit." 

Chelsea Fagan's words...

I can write about you in every forum except the one you might read — well, even then I might write about it, but I’d dance around your name like a fire whose warmth I want to feel without quite being burned. Yes, if you’re wondering, it’s about you. That open letter, that song lyric, that wink and nod in your direction that is not quite explicit enough to call me out on directly. I want you to see my words and be motivated enough in them to take the first step yourself because, no matter how much I want to burst into your life with the truth of exactly how I feel about you, I know that I am not going to.

You would likely be upset if you knew how much I thought of you, how much what you are doing with your life factors into my daily routine. The world tells us we are supposed to live in cold, disparate camps of “together” and “separate” — but what about those who fall into neither category? No, we are not together. No, there is no part of you that I can lay claim to and nothing I am within my rights to demand, but are we really separate? Is the degree to which you have touched my life unimportant because it hasn’t been sealed with some kind of title?

And “I miss you” — is that only appropriate to someone who has left, someone you imagine will come back or at least longs to do so? What about the people who have never fully entered our lives, who have passed by it like a shiny car driving just slowly enough to get a glimpse at the people inside? Are we allowed to miss someone whose presence we sensed in our very bones, someone every fiber of our body told us we should have reached out to but did not? Is there an acceptable way to phrase “a nostalgia for something that never quite happened,” or is that a sentiment which is relegated to the pathetic spectators of life?

We praise honesty the way we praise kindness, and a lie of omission is still a lie. So I suppose, by that definition, I am lying to you each day that passes in which I do not say “I think about you, I wish I could talk to you, I wish my fear was something I could put aside and forget for even a moment.” I don’t mean to lie, you know. In a perfect world, I would be the kind of person who feels something with great conviction and acts upon it with unerring focus, who is sure of themselves in a way that radiates confidence and puts others at ease. If I were this kind of person, I would have come to you so long ago. I would have told you everything I really felt.

(Yes, even about that one night where I told you I needed to talk and then let you go home with a “never mind.” You and I both know that what I wanted to say was “Every time I see you from across the room and don’t talk to you, it is a punch in the stomach which reminds me just how much of a coward I can be.” But who wants to actually say that to someone at a house party?)

But I have long since accepted that I am a coward of this nature, that I am happy to write letters to myself instead of sit down with the one person who needs to listen. I will listen to music which at once dulls the more acute pains of not having the courage to be honest with you and allows me to imagine the life I could have if I did. I will lie awake some nights, looking at your name, only a click away. I will hover over your name and consider writing you, finally getting everything out that I feel dirty for not having said, and accept that even a flat “no” is preferable to hanging suspended in the unknown. But then I won’t, and I’ll pretend as though it never crossed my mind. And you will ask me how I am at a party some day, and look at me as though you really want to know, and I will say “I am fine.”

yoga in my mind

I was watching a stupid TV show, heard the beat of this song, and thought I hope it sounds great. It's the perfect soundtrack right about now. I'll call it coincidence even though I don't believe in coincidences.

Checklist be damned:

- finish work

- clear head

- pack

- get lost for the holidays

no I'm not impossible to touch I have never wanted you so much

I felt lonely today.

I decided to go out and treat myself. When I say treat myself I mean go to Cubao and ukay. That didn't go well for me because there's no New Arrival, and I just don't find it appealing to scour thrifted items that are more or less doubly rejected. So I went home empty-handed save for the Dummy D40 book I have always wanted to buy.

It was early evening and I really had no drive to work. I decided I could go out for dinner with a friend but then I bailed out as soon as she said yes. What is going on here? I just want to feel something, anything other than loneliness. And thus I decided to watch Before Sunrise. Boy, did I feel great!

I think this is the movie (and of course Before Sunset) I'll be watching each year just because it makes me feel really good inside. Before Sunrise is the best boy-meets-girl film I've ever seen. Europe. Strangers. Conversation. Train Ride. Cafes. I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Have you ever watched a movie that resonates so deeply you almost always catch yourself laughing and crying because it's just so real and so romantic? I did exactly that. I love how these two characters, Jesse and Celine, connected in a way that felt so natural. It's amazing because it's rare to see these kinds of moments on film. I love how they portrayed the difference between men and women, specifically their views (and reactions) toward love, career, and sex. And I love how their conversation flows. One minute they're talking about American culture and the next they're lashing out on ex-lovers. 

There were many instances I could actually see myself in. I've been a fan of Q&A talks, the one where you ask someone a question and they just have to answer it honestly. I think it's a straight forward way of getting to know someone, and it's always interesting to hear the answers of people. Stuff like your first sexual feeling or first childhood memory or have you ever been in love -- these are the things I want to know about a person.

If I could do I slow clap I probably would have when Celine uttered these words:

"I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more? "

Lastly, I totally lost it with this song. It's exactly what I needed today.

ahhhh

Monday is rest day for people like me. Actually it's not. Monday is errand day, which means you have to get the laundry done, pay the bills, clean the apartment, and just check-off those mundane items that we usually disregard on a normal day. 

And here I am, getting ready to retire. These are my simple joys. While doing my groceries earlier today, I decided to buy a cheap bottle of wine. I already envisioned enjoying quiet nights alone with a glass of wine, a book or, in my case tonight, two fully downloaded Boston Celtics games. 

Lately I'm contemplating if I should buy a TV. The only reason I'd like to own a boob tube is to satisfy my NBA cravings. (Ang sarap magblog painum-inum ng wine in between. This is it! =D) However, I find that it's not enough reason to buy one. I don't like watching TV because I'm already addicted to so many couch-potato activities that I don't need to add anything to my lazy repertoire. BUT, I can't get enough of the Celtics. Last Sunday, I was reading live forums on nba.com; my eyes were glued on the scoreboard. It was pathetic but that was the closest thing I could get to actually watching my favorite NBA team. I just realized my problems are sooo deep. Hahaha. This is what Monday night's all about.

Alright it's warp time. I'm off to watch the 2008 NBA championship season Boston vs LA. I'm planning to write a word-vomit entry on why I can't get enough of Rondo, Pierce, and Garnett. (All smiles)

lovely-ness, a survey, and then some

photos from tomboy style and knight cat

Because I just can't get enough tonight. And because nobody would ever ask me these questions in a million years, I'll indulge myself.

If not in NYC QC, I would live in... Paris. (Ang local pakinggan ng QC kumpara sa NYC. Ayoko sabihing "ang cheap." hehe because it's not sooo.)

My dream holiday would be to... go on a roadtrip bound to nowhere in particular. Siguro masaya pagpa-Norte. Kung saan maabutan, stop over. Magbabaon in advance ng maraming wine, beer, at kung anu pang alak, chuchurya, at walang katapusang 90s na playlist. Shit ang saya.

My current obsessions are... home and furniture (lol), Rajon Rondo, Lana del Rey, acoustic version ng Never Gonna Leave This Bed, lingerie, candles, 50 Shades (shutdafrontdoor), and food lit. Wow, hindi na rin ako na-oobsess!

I channel my childhood self when I... indulge in ghost stories. I'm still the same MGB loser. Kung makahingi ng nakakatakot kala mo ang tapang. Tapang! On a side note, how I wish I could say draw. My childhood was all about drawing, coloring, and cutting paper clothes for my paper dolls.

The fictional character I most relate to is... Cedie. Charaught. Carrie Bradshaw. Hahaha. Arte. I'm shallow, boy-obsessed, self-centered, human, and blessed with really gorgeous, sweet friends.

If I had to be outdoors all day I would... lie on a hammock, drink something cold, and read a book. 

My favorite quality(ies) in a man is... ambition, zero mind games, and humor.

My favorite quality in a woman is... being comfortable in her own skin. It's gorgeous to see a woman embrace her own beauty. Pakapageant but true.

I'm terrified of... losing someone and growing old alone.

My dream car is a... convertible. Yeah, okay. I know nothing about cars. Basta something red, shiny, and convertible.

My cocktail of choice is... nothing. I'm a beer girl. Somebody educate me about cocktails.

My celebrity crush is... (definitely not "is") Rondo, Guillaume Canet, and Mila Kunis. Marami pa actually but these three first come to mind.

My beauty product of choice is... Ponds. Seriously. Sa Ponds lang ako hindi nagkakapimple. And most of my stuff (coincidentally) are Nivea. I love how masa my skin is. How masa?

My friends and I like to... hangout with good food, drinks, and LOTSA conversations. I can't get enough of it.

If I could go back in time for one decade it would be... seventies or sixties. Sakto ma-experience ko lang ang flower power!

As a teenager I was totally into... guys, gays, boybands, teleserye, MTV, PBA, and sweet valley books.

I tend to splurge on... BOOKS, books, and more books. Doesn't mean I read a lot. I just like buying books. I'm one of those who love the smell of (not old but) new books. And then writing my name on the first page like a boss.

lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

I was watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother and fell in love with this song and the words uttered during the last few minutes of the said episode. Dammit Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. :( 

"There is a word in German: Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be…’Lifelong Treasure of Destiny.’ And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my Beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand, you know? It means…’the thing that is almost the thing that you want…but it’s not quite.’ Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It is something that happens instantaneously.It courses through you like the water of a river after a storm…filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body…in your hands…in your heart…in your stomach…in your skin…Have you ever felt this way about someone? If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone does eventually. You just never know when or where."

It makes me think of someone.

i did it

Lipayay ko.

Last night I couldn't sleep. It's like my body feels alienated on the luxuriously big bed. I finally finished repainting my place and arranging my stuff. I'm humbled with how satisfied and happy I am. Of course, I'm far from finished. I still would like to buy a few items and tweak a few things. I'll take my time for now. It's just sooo unbelievable how a week ago I was sleeping on my couch and I couldn't even walk to the bathroom without the challenge of stepping on my things. To my friends, a candle or two would be awesome. Haha.

what's hyperbole for overwhelmed

"A cup of tea is the answer to everything."

There goes my Fifty Shades obsession. I don't even like the taste of tea, but now I just made myself a cup as I write this post.

I'm very much overwhelmed on what I need to do for the next couple of days. I just want to curl in bed and cry. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. I know I should just stop thinking and start doing. But do you ever get that feeling when you seriously want to start moving/working but you literally just can't move? Maybe it's just me.

My apartment is a big big mess right now. It's a mess before but now it has transformed into a big pile of my personal belongings, which, day by day, all now start looking like crap. I'm living in a big pile of crap and, worse, I've been crashing for almost a month now in my own apartment. When I say crash, I mean I've been sleeping on my couch for almost three weeks now. I actually bought myself a huge bed recently. A real bed for once, one with a sturdy wooden frame and thick soft mattress. However, ugh I hate the however, I couldn't even assemble it just yet because I cannot manage my time well to finally start repainting my place. I soooooooooo want to sleep in a real nice cozy bed. I actually have one and it's in pieces. The headboard is blocking my living area and all the other pieces of wood are scattered on the floor. I can't even prepare proper meals these days because of all these crap. 

I'm just ranting, I know.

I have lots of work to do. In a way, my renovation progress has been curtailed by my addiction to Fifty Shades of Grey. For the first time, I was able to finish two novels within two days. Take that, bed! And because of this stupidity, my schedule is now fucked up. 

I'll be the happiest once everything will be in its place. Soooooonnnnnnnnnnnn....

this week

I'm joining the bandwagon in everything. Haha. These days when I go to the mall, all I want to buy are things related to the Home/Kitchen/Furniture section. It's like I have a mansion, which is sooo far from the truth. Anyway, I bought "a" candle which is supposed to smell like a Mediterranean fig (whatever that means). I met Banuk and we decided to have wine at my place. I love how it sounds - "wine at my place." It sounds like a bachelorette pad. Hahahaha. Mary Ann joined us and we spent the night talking childhood, drinking wine, and listening to Joni Mitchell, Amy Winehouse, and Adele. I couldn't be any happier. 

Lastly, I bought new books and borrowed lotsa books. Because the theme is "bandwagon", why not go full speed with 50 Shades of Grey. I'm actually excited to read it, but I have a feeling this is very Twilight-like - the only difference is the sex! Oh well, what's not to love with the sex. However, I started reading 50 shades last night and fell asleep at page two. Mahihiya ang sleepasil. We'll see.

lana and I

I remember the first time I listened to Lana del Rey's music. It was a rainy day, and I was in the middle of the road waiting for a yellow cab... No. I was at home, checking Lulu's blog for the nth time, and finally giving in to Lulu's recommendation. She described Lana as the quintessential epitome of beauty. Somehow Lana just couldn't help but be beautiful. In my head, I was thinking "Okay, another hipster singer that hipsters are supposed to love. But hey I'm doing nothing right now so why the hell not." I mean most of us don't really bother clicking on music videos shared by our friends; unless they force you to listen to it. But let's just say, listening to Lana del Rey's music for the first time was perhaps one of the best things that ever happened to me. Judge me.

I'm one of those people who like to put underlying meanings to things that are, let's just say, meaningless. And this one's no exception. Lana del Rey is my favorite singer. Choosing between her and Tori Amos, for me, is like Sophie's choice minus the Nazis. (Don't we just like to exaggerate things?) It's like finding "the one" music-wise. I find myself smiling, dreaming, and crying to her music. I adore how she puts into words all the things I've been thinking and feeling about love, life, and womanhood. Womanhood? Yes, like Robinhood.

Now that I think about it, Video Games and Blue Jeans were all I listened to the first time this year when I tried to put myself out there again. I'm talking cryptic because I'm referring to something sooo cheesy. Video Games is the kind of music that puts me in a trance. It encapsulates the drama of loving and not being loved as much. Not that I've experienced something like that. It's just so real, so beautiful. "Swinging in the backyard, pull-up in your fast car, whistling my name. You open up a beer, say get over here, and play your video game. I'm in his favorite sundress, watching me get undressed, take your body downtown. I say your the bestest, lean in for a big kiss, put his favorite perfume on. Go play your video game." I'm in love with the imagery. I can picture each word, movement, and insinuation. Combined with the droning, Sinatra-esque tune, Video Games touches my very core. (I'm laughing while typing the word "core.") It's safe to say Lana del Rey makes desperation and longing sound cool.

I remember that February morning. I was all jitters. I was planning what to wear, what to say, and what to do for that night. I wanted to take a really long bath. I remember lighting up one of my candles thinking that would help ease my nerves. I turned-up the volume of my laptop with Lana's songs on the loop. The moment  the water from the shower hit my face, I was in the zone. My nervous energy made me realize I'm into the next chapter and it felt so damn good.

Now that I've had more happy days, I find it amazing that I still discover new feelings when I listen to Lana's music. There's this sense of the beautiful because her songs make me think of large, old-school discs lying in a quirky Paris apartment. Yeah it's a scene from Before Sunset. There's also a sense of hope with words like "Now my life is sweet like cinnamon." and "Spin me round kiss me in your chevrolet." I could go on and on and on. But at the end of the day, I just love cinnamon and chevrolet.

no pretensions

I'm having a break whilst working and read this. Of course, I'm reading thoughtcatalog. Dammit.

Open notepad, deep breath with eyes closed, and type.

18 Things I want right here, right now...

1. new panties
2. lovelife
3. books
4. travel somewhere
5. candles scented
6. coffeemaker
7. laptop cooler
8. stop smoking
9. healthy face
10. enroll in something new to me
11. challenge myself with something new
12. yoga
13. meditation
14. sleeping at a proper hour
15. nice cozy lamp
16. new bedsheets
17. new clothes and shoes
18. family vacation

What's yours?