hny

I told myself I won't make lists like this anymore. Haha. Well that lasted for about a month. First of all, Happy New Year. It's 20freaking15. 2014 was a great year, and I wish 2015 would be a better year.

When I look back to what exactly went down, all I can say is that I had a lot of growing up to do. I was alone for the most part, and I was also with a lot of very close friends for certain times of the year. The simultaneous change from solitude to socialization has confused me to say the least. I love and hate being alone and being with people, if that even makes any sense. This is important for me to explore because a lot of my learnings/yearnings/realizations stemmed from the fact that I may be alone forever and the desire to  become a better friend. Both have become major preoccupations as I reach my late twenties.

I'd like to make a list of the things I'd like to learn/practice/incorporate into my life for the new year.

1. Cultivate the "abundance mentality." Good God. Where have I been all these years and why haven't I read about this before? It's one of those things that I feel is the answer to all my problems. Like really. I realized I've been living with the scarcity mentality which made me competitive of other people instead of being competitive with just myself. This scarcity thinking has, I think, also made me a very selfish person. By changing my perspective into that of abundance, I allow myself more positive thoughts. The idea that there is always enough for everyone, that there is no need to clamor, to fret, to panic that maybe "this is it" and I need to fight everyone to get my share. No. Let go because there's more than enough for everyone. I want to fully embody this thought process. It's such a refreshing thing to think about. It frees up any space of petty competitiveness, ill-thinking, and catty behavior. Hahahaha. Can I get any more new-age? Whatever. I'm writing this shit down and I'm pasting these on the walls of my apartment. Yeah, walls!

2. It's okay not to always fuss about your looks. For the past years, silently, I've been obsessing about how I look. The need to look your best and the need for people to always acknowledge this is, of course, a recipe for disaster. I'm not saying I'll let myself go and stop taking baths. I just want to shift my focus into cultivating my mind instead or, better yet, my personality. How to do that exactly is another question. I just want to stop feeling inadequate just because I don't look like a model. In reality, the most beautiful people is a combination of confidence and self-awareness and spunk. Beautiful people, for me, also includes those who've experienced hardships and came out the other side stronger and with more empathy. I want to be one of those people.

3. Just to become a better friend. I want to give more emphasis to the existing friendships that already mean a lot to me, and I can just count them with my own hands. I want to practice more kindness in this department. Adult friendships have become more complex as the years go by. I would think it's because of the adult changes that all of us are going through. It's been a complicated ride - the single, the boyfriends, the other friends, the babies, the old friends, the new friends, the real-life presence, the virtual presence, health, sickness, birthdays, break-ups, etc. It's not just drinking all day anymore. Life changes have made us different people, people who are not as carefree and light as before but people who have been jaded, bitter but stronger and wiser and more interesting than before. Because of these changes, the relationships have also undergone a different route, one where we also need to adjust our expectations along with our "new" selves. In the end, the golden rule still applies - treat your friends the way you want to be treated. 

4. Get back in shape. It's alright to be that uncool person who jogs, who eats her veggies, and who sleeps at 10pm. These days, it actually comes easy for me and I want to continue all these things. I don't like when I don't have a good sleep. I feel awful when my shit's not on time. I feel sad when I can't run/jog. The food department is perhaps the one that needs the most work but hey I'll get there. One more thing I'd like to add is a new healthy activity that I haven't done before. I'm thinking about "gym" or "pilates." LOL. This will be a search because I want something that I'd truly enjoy doing. Yesss, I have become that person.. 

5. Write. Read. Write. Read. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Regardless of what career aspirations I may have, I just want to do more reading this year. In the last few months of 2014, my love for reading has been reignited. It's been awhile. It's like this sleeping lion inside of me and now I feel like it's awake. I used to read voraciously as a child. I enjoy borrowing 5 books at a time in my school library - heck even our community library - and just read in my room like there's no house chores or homework to be done. I even get sad when I finish a book. Sometimes I read them again right before I get to the last chapter just so I can prolong the ending. But somehow college has stripped me of my desire for the written word. I hated literature then. I felt like everything was so pretentious. However, recently, I'm starting to seek out "literature" again. I've fallen in love with words again - words, phrases, sentences so beautifully strung - it makes me smile all alone in my room with just my books. I need to keep this fire alive.

So there ya go! Looking forward to the new year!