on singlehood and marriage

Last Friday, I was supposed to spend the next five days in Boracay with a friend. But as luck would have it, we cancelled our trip because a) my friend had to finish her film (congrats ot) and b) I was really in the mood for serious monk time and Bora just spells people, lots of people. I don't want any of that. It must have been the weeks - actually months - of non-stop socialization that finally prompted me for some serious downtime. I longed to be by myself again with nothing to do but just feed my mind. This means I could now spend all day reading all the articles I've been dying to read online (New Yorker I'm looking at ya), as well as the piles of books waiting to be read/loved/cuddled by yours truly. This is my version of vacation.

One article that captivated me was Kate Bolick's All The Single Ladies published by The Atlantic in 2011. It's lengthy but well-researched and talks about something that's been on my mind as of late - singlehood and marriage. And because this endeavor is a rabbit hole, I found myself reading Lori Gottlieb's Marry Him (2008), which supports the idea that aging single women should settle instead of waiting for Mr. Right (given the unrealistic standards we want from Mr. Right). I made myself cozy and started thinking about all the questions that these articles posed. 

Is marriage a thing of the past? Why is there a rise in single women? Should women settle for Mr. Good Enough? Isn't that sad? Or is it starting to make sense now given that women have outnumbered men and there are lesser "marriageable men" available today? What exactly does marriageable men mean? Whatever happened to waiting for true love? I know I know it's starting to sound like a prayer now but I was seriously contemplating all these things while reading these articles. So please if you're interested about this - meaning you're also single - do yourself a favor and read Bolick and Gottlieb's pieces.

Turning 28 earlier this month had me thinking about my long-term plans - actually my long-term life? Does that make any sense? It's not such a unique thing, I believe, to question whether I might actually end up a spinster. I know I shouldn't be thinking about any of this and that I should focus on my career blah blah blah. But seriously, as a woman - yes, a grown woman - I fear I might grow old alone. I'm not saying this in a sad, depressive, needy kind of way but as a matter of fact, which now sounds more depressing. Haha. Even though I did not grow up thinking about my wedding and never actually longed to have children, I would still like to have that option... and soon. I may have been influenced by the proverbial biological clock or social media's constant reminder that most of my classmates are now married and I'm nowhere close to even having a boyfriend. It's the uncertainty that's killing me. 

Bolick's article provides a comforting albeit controversial proposition that the institution of marriage is now undergoing a transformation. She cites numerous statistical data that being single (and all other unconventional things related to singlehood and gay partnerships e.g. single motherhood, in vitro fertilization, adoption) past the age of 30 is now losing its stigma. Marriage is still a norm but there has been a couple of tweaks in how people choose to live their lives. I feel less agitated to hear that not all people, especially women, are aspiring to get married or have children. A part of me is convinced that marriage as an adult milestone is one of those things perpetuated by society as something to be achieved preferably before the age of 30. This might be anecdotal but it's certainly true in the Philippines. If you're 30 and single and a woman, people will now scrutinize you just a little bit and offer supposedly-consoling words like "di ka naman pangit. may chura ka naman." ("you're not ugly at all, in fact you look fine"). Thanks, that really helps.

However, the bit about the "deterioration of the male condition" is a bit alarming. 

"...men have been rapidly declining - in income, in educational attainment, and in future employment prospects - relative to women."

This simply translates to: lesser men and even lesser traditionally "marriageable" men. It would have been fine if I could say in all honesty that I have no plans of getting married. But I do. 

This leads to Gottlieb's article on settling, particularly settling with Mr. Good Enough. To be honest, my mind was already made-up/closed before I even read Gottlieb's piece. I thought she'd be like the Princeton mom Susan Paton who advised young women to focus on finding a husband over building a career. However, Gottlieb actually has some good points. I began to see her idea in a positive light - the perfect guy does not exist but being with someone good enough is better than having no one at all. It's not that I agree with her a 100% especially since I'm still in my twenties for crying out loud but I have to applaud her for attempting to cut the bullshit. We were raised to believe in fairytales, worse that we'll someday end up with someone tall, handsome, smart, and funny; and it just so happens that this "perfect" man is also the love of our life, the one, the soulmate, the prince charming. I still happen to believe in finding someone who's deserving for your own brand of sass but the concept of "perfect" is overrated. But my conviction on this is still a work in progress. I'm still ideal about finding the right person. I still want Carrie's inconvenient, can't-live-without-you kind of love. I'm cynical about "the one" but I'm still also hopeful that maybe, just maybe there's someone for me (for all of us). 

As a personal resolution, I'd like to focus my attention (consciously) towards what I still want to achieve, do, and explore. I'll try my hardest not to obsess over my singlehood and just keep the faith. There's no other way but to be hopeful. Well at least until I turn mid-30s? Who knows.