you don't even know

The number of unpublished stuff I've had for this blog is rivalling the number of posts I have actually published. I write mostly diary notes these days so it's too private to share - though in all honesty, I do want to share them. As I wrote each and every one of these diary entries, I realized just how much I always want to share what's going on in my private life. It's like my personality never learned the word "too-much-information." For a time, I silenced that part of me. I defied my natural instincts and tried to be the quieter, meeker, more formal version of myself. Nowadays, I feel like it's a disservice to polish these so-called rough edges. As time goes by, I feel the need to go back to my old self -- that self who couldn't care less what other people think, who grabbed life like there's no tomorrow, who did what was most exciting and expressed her opinion without caring if people would like her or not. That self was so self-assured she was equal parts fun and annoying. I want to be fun and annoying again.

A few days from now I'll be turning 28. Aside from the usual "I feel old" rant, I started evaluating what I have actually done with my life so far. And honestly, the answer's "not much." I find this sad and challenging at the same time. It feels like a year-end assessment and I end up not writing much. However, the perky, positive side of me disagrees. I have done lots. Maybe not the high-brow, life-changing, corporate-ladder-climbing stuff but I have done things I could actually be proud of. Sometimes it feels like scraping the bottom of the barrel but if I'll be honest about it, there's some pretty good shit I could be thankful for.  Let me list thee:

1. Living all on my own for about two years now. Yes, we've all pretty much lived on our own since college but living all alone (and working from home) is a whole different ball game. I should write a novel about this. Lots of people say they're envious of me living alone. A chorus of "You can do whatever you please, you can run around naked in your apartment etc. etc.," but it's no piece of cake especially around the time when darkness sets in or you're so sick you can barely get off the bed. And let's not even include those times when your hormones are all fucked-up during your period. Out of nowhere you feel all sad for no apparent reason. You cry yourself to sleep and there's no one around. Sometimes when I wake up at night to pee in the bathroom, I imagine myself returning to my bed and finding someone else sleeping on the bed. Yes, it's scary. Through the years I've gotten used to most of these things. Some days are better than others. But surviving the tough times makes me want to pat myself in the back and say, "You did good, mitch. Most people can't do this stuff. Hell they won't last a day and here you are getting braver and stronger by the day. Even when you're faking it, you're still the bomb for trying your hardest to be independent."

2. Supporting myself financially which means I'm able to pay all my bills, buy myself good stuff, and give back to my father during most days. Maybe this is not really something to celebrate because adulthood is supposed to look like this. You need to be able to take care of yourself financially because, frankly, no one else would. I have learned this lesson since college. Sometimes I still fantasize about being the daughter of a business tycoon - one who can go to Europe on a whim and pursue all the arts and culture shit she wants anytime, anywhere courtesy of her parents' wealth. But I'm pretty happy with my version of working middle class. The feeling of earning something all on your own is so inspiring in my head that sometimes I can trick myself into believing it's all worth it. And in most days, it is. Paying for an airconditioner, having dinner with friends in some fancy restaurant, and buying myself the latest scented candle --- all these capriccios, in one way or another, does give me a sense of fulfilment.

3. Having real homies. When you're single and in your late twenties, they're all you have (aside from your family of course). Though it's not without its own trials, tribulations, and drama; your best friends are the second best thing in life after sex. They really are. I call them my core. Regardless of how shitty life sometimes is, just the thought that they are there, even without us talking or even seeing each other every day, makes me feel like I did something right. 

4. Having the luxury of pursuing my hobbies from the most humble to the most pretentious ones. This is one of the best things that I sometimes fail to recognize. Being able to do my favorite things: going out with friends, watching the latest horror movie, watching theater, reading intellectual articles online (and pretending I understand them), reading books, having dinner at a new restaurant, having lots and lots of wine with friends, walking/jogging/running around campus just because I find it refreshing, watching crappy TV home alone, reading online under the covers, doing yoga, traveling to the beach, shopping alone and enjoying myself in the dressing room playing dress-up, going on random food trips, and, of course, lots and lots of talking, laughing with friends every chance I get. These are just a few of my favorite things. 

To be able to realize all these, to be thankful, and to be able to do more of these things --- it's really all that matters. That and more things to look forward to.

photo credit: William Hereford