naked

(In my mind, I'd like to publish this emo shit. haha. This was me two months ago. I feel so much better now, and this is some serious, honest writing. This is "hot stuff". LOL. I'm amazed this was me two months ago. I'm lovin' the progress, girl! Just thought I'd share it. I'm loving the emotional fad. Emotions should be cool. haha. wink!)

Before I bare myself, I would like to caution anyone who will attempt to read this that you're about to read some seriously troubled thoughts, self-defeating attitude and a load full of shit  from yours truly. You have been warned. I'm not proud of what I'm about to write but I just have to get these off my chest.

For the past six months or so I have lost myself. I thought I was doing fine. I was doing fine. But eventually, the whole situation became so fucked-up the best analogy I can come up with is that of a recurring cancer cell. I often hear people say how hindsight is always 20/20. Yeah right. I could use some crystal-ball kind of hindsight right about now. I'm just all over the place I can't stand myself anymore.

About two weeks ago, I was having a drink with my friend who needed someone to talk to about her relationship problems. I felt I was in a better place because I have so much love to give, so much empathy for people who are feeling lost because I've just gotten through a lot of serious issues myself. However, it only reminded me of the pain of being betrayed and how much I still cared for that person. When I got home, the silence was deafening. I heard Celine Dion's voice creeping into my ears, into my heart (so dramatic but so true). There it was, an "it's all coming back moment" that I had seriously defied and fought so hard against the past six months. My old habits came rushing back. The moment I succumb to my wallowing, it was August 2010 all over again. I just wanted to rot in my bed. I called my father again. I stayed in bed and covered myself in the blanket while watching Top Chef for the 700th time. I'm seriously sick. Why did I have to feel this again. I was fine.

Supposedly, in my dream world, I should have been working hard finishing the first two chapters of my thesis. I have done my best to straighten out my shit, and here I was ready for a second chance. I didn't give up. I just couldn't bear the thought of giving up. After all I've sacrificed in the pursuit of turning my life around, I can't give up on this. I kept saying these words over and over again to push me. I read inspirational words online to push me even further. I've made some progress. I've finished reading the books and articles, half of which I haven't fully understood. Thus, I managed to write three pages. 3 freakin' pages when I should be producing about 40!. It took me almost 5 hours for each page. It was literally pulling teeth. It was laughable. Part of this may all be in my head, but a part of me says it's because you just can't rush a dissertation. I was unprepared. It was all my fault. I don't want to make any more excuses so I wanted to just blame myself. I thought I can just sit a full 10 hours straight and write like a madman, and then voila! 

When I realized I couldn't possibly submit my draft by Monday morning, I turned mental again. All my insecurities came rushing through my brain. What am I supposed to do with my life if I can't complete this? Why can't I finish this? Why is it so hard? Am I too old to turn my life around? What is happening to me? I don't recognize myself anymore. I just cried myself to sleep each and every time. My god I can't believe I'm writing all these.

I went online to gain some perspective again. I watched all possible inspiring videos on TED.com. I kept reminding myself that I'm responsible for my own behavior and nothing will change if I stay this way. I became obsessed with JK Rowling's speech on the importance of failure, Steve Job's call to always be hungry and foolish, Neil Pasricha's 3As to be Awesome and finally the most moving speech I encountered on TED was that of Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. His speech was probably one of the most inspiring 1 hour and 16 minutes of my life. Randy Pausch was a Computer Science professor in Carnegie Mellon who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2006. He gave this lecture about achieving your childhood dreams and how important it is to never give up. He was already dying when he gave this speech and yet he had the best attitude of a man in such a dire situation. The words that struck me the most was this: "The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something." Dr. Pausch's words really struck a chord in me.

As I'm writing this now, I feel so much better. I will just take my time. 

This is me being vulnerable.