one january day

Dear,

I can't find the words to tell you what I want to tell you. I've been mulling over this for so long now that it's eating me up inside. My rational mind is telling me to just stop and get over you because I know for a fact that when someone likes another, they make it obvious. I believe I have done my part in letting you know how much I admire you. It may not be blatant, but I believe it has been obvious in many ways. My friends, our friends know how much I am into you. It's disgusting how much you occupy the spaces of my brain. I decided to finally put this in writing, hoping to God Almighty that even if I don't actually send this letter to you, I may at least ease-up the burden of my pent-up emotions. I am not good at not-saying, especially when it comes to people I love, care, and admire. I am always one who says something, and so I'll try.

As I try to recall the kind of relationship we had in the span of 16 years, I first noticed you back in fourth-grade when I was a just another school girl and you were just one of those cute boys who almost always came up as one of the other girls' crushes. Back then, I liked you because you were cute. Leading up to high school we were more or less acquaintances. We passed each other in the hallways and heard each other's names but we were never more than anything other than schoolmates. You briefly entered my high school life when you had this on-off relationship with my very close friend. Other than that, I categorized you as one of the jocks who actually had a good head on your shoulder.

College wasn't much of an event for either of us even though we spent our university days in the same city. I was immersed with my new-found freedom, enjoying uni like any teen-something girl. And, as far as I know, you too were having the time of your life living and studying in one of the premier universities in the country. That was it. You, me, and a few of our other friends from high school would message each other from time to time, hoping to catch-up somehow and longing to experience our very own brand of Bisdak humor in the midst of Manila.

I first noticed you again when we had this friendship re-awakening within our high school group. I remember you setting-up a date for us to go to Laguna and visit our dear friends. It was just me and you in the bus. Back then, I must admit I always felt awkward around you, mostly because we were not that close - and also because I have this annoying desire to make sure the conversation doesn't run out. (It didn't help that you accidentally slipped on my shoulder whilst sleeping like a log on our way home.) So even if we had not spent the past four years talking to each other, I tried my best back then to treat you like a very close friend, which, up to now, I would never regret. Maybe you hadn't noticed but I was also awkward around you because I must admit that I have always found you attractive, but I know you were one of those guys who always had a thing for extremely attractive girls. I had accepted long ago that I was not on your list and I was also (supposedly) in a happy relationship at that time. But even then, I always find it exciting to be around you, to spend time with you. All I knew was that I felt happy whenever you are around - me, you, and all our close friends. Before I knew it, you were legitimately my friend.

During those days, I believed we were really friends. I don't have many guy friends, so it made me feel good to have a real guy whom I can ask stupid questions about guys. And I believe you felt the same way, given that you also confided some of you girl problems to me. Maybe I haven't told you how much I appreciate that, especially because I know you as someone who only confides to the people you trust. You don't talk that much about your personal life, which I admire because, as you know, I am in no way like that. But because we lived far apart and our inner circles did not really collide, we were still long-distance friends. I wouldn't call you at 4 in the morning if I happen to catch my boyfriend sleeping with another woman. No, I wouldn't and I didn't. I did however confide in you briefly in one of the darkest moments of my life because you were this guy who was always online. And I will never forget your encouraging words that things will get better.

And then it began to escalate. At first, you were instrumental in getting-over my ex. I know you had no idea about this but, yes, you were. In my downest moment when all I could think about was how horrible men are, you were the shining one for some reason. I began to latch into your image, convincing myself that I was not in love with you but that you were someone I hoped to be with in the future. That somehow in all my jaded view of love, someone cute, successful, manly, funny, and down-to-earth as you is still in the horizon. Somehow you were the ideal image. Now I know for a fact that sometimes we inspire, change people just by being the way we are. And you were exactly that to me. 

However, I did not bank on us having a relationship because I would never have the guts to tell you how I feel. I knew you would never be interested in me. It felt good to just have you in the background, dream of you often, talk to you on YM occasionally, and celebrate with you from time to time... I tried my best not to go into the deep hole where I begin to fall madly in love with you. That did not happen either. It was just a long on and off admiration, sometimes it would reach a peak and by then I would try to keep my emotions in check, keep myself busy and not pine after you. I must say I was successful. It's hard to describe how I felt about you. My feelings to you were synonymous to my hormones. I convinced myself day in and day out that it will all pass.

Obviously it didn't. And it did not help that you and I were quite close early 2012. You talked to me all the time about your budding career, your "girls," your funny memes... Day by day I slowly became an expert in lying about my feelings, telling myself time and time again that this will pass. I will one day wake-up and not feel anything about you. And then you got a girlfriend, the one you said always gave you gifts, the one you were doubtful about going to a South Korean trip with. And I thought I would finally get over this. 

I must give myself a pat in the back for not going full-crazy on you. I improved a lot in keeping my emotions in check - or so I thought. You coming over to my apartment on a whim bringing coffee, chocolates and what-not teased my poor heart. You reading my blog had me wondering if you cared. You sharing your life's endeavors with me made me feel special. And you, simply being you, have finally taken me into that deep hole. As much as I want to hate you for that, I can't. I just have to deal with the fact that you were not just into me. 

Yes, I have written this whole goddamn thing for nothing. But as always, writing is therapeutic for me. If there's one thing that makes me sad other than this one-sided love story I created in my mind is the fact that I will never ever tell you about it. And for what it's worth, I hope this reaches you like messages in a bottle thrown out at sea.

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