let's do a free flow

This blog is not a really honest depiction of where I am right now. I started this blog in an effort to document the positive changes I'll be making at age 24. I'm not sure if I was able to do exactly that. I'll try to console myself that at least I've kept it, and in just a few months I'll be 25 already. So much for project 24.

So far my life as a twentysomething has been quite a rollercoaster ride. 15 years ago, I thought I'd be a powerhouse career woman - living the life, always on the go, surrounded with gorgeous people. I thought I was going to be an ABS-CBN star. I thought I was going to be a newsanchor. Not a newscaster, but a newsanchor. I used to read my school's Current Events Digest live in my bedroom thinking I was the next Korina Sanchez. Back in high school, the dream changed a bit. I imagined myself as the next editor-in-chief of a newspaper. I had quite an ego boost due to all the writing competitions I've entered. I thought I was the brightest. I always had that competitive side to be the best. I enjoyed writing scripts for my high school presentations. I thought I was going to be a scriptwriter. When I entered college, I joined a prestigious theater organization. It was one of the most memorable moments of my life. I felt invincible. For once I can say I was pushing myself to the limits. UP Rep taught me to be indestructible. The motto was to live or die. If you have it, flaunt it. Flaunt like you've never flaunted before. If you don't have it, act like you do until you believe it's true. And in more ways than one, it was one of the best learning experiences I've ever had. Again, I thought I was going to be the next Tuesday Vargas.

And then kaput. Little by little I became an adult. I worked in the call center industry since I was 18 years old. It began to occur to me that life is not that dreamy. There are bills to be paid. You have to eat. You have to work. It's not going to be a breeze. At one point or another, you realize that you hate your job. Unfortunately for some of us it becomes a habit. For quite sometime I was asking myself if it's okay to settle for a good paying job, not necessarily your dream job but a job that pays. It didn't work so well for me. I always wanted something more.

And then I fell in love. I would say it was one of the reasons I got sidetracked. I lost the light. However, I would say it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Well the first 2 and a half years were really blissful. But as they say, hindsight is always 20/20. I realized I should have kept my eye on the prize. The prize was to graduate. Instead I was so happy being in love, being a housewife, and being a girlfriend, I eventually forgot what it was like to dream. This, too, failed to work. 

So where does that leave me? I felt I lost my mojo someway somehow. It manifests in all the things I think and do. I have a faint image of how to bring it back, and I believe that's the purpose I need to work on for the next five years of my life. Why am I writing all these? I just wanted to try if I can face the hard truth. It's tough to come to terms with who you really are. But I swear to god I'm still grateful. I have lots of friends to be grateful for. And I'm grateful that I realize all these. 

I remember talking to my father, crying, and telling him if he was just like me when he was my age. I've acquired the habit of looking up to successful people and researching what they were up to during their 20s. My father told me he had a nervous breakdown in his early 20s, graduated at age 25, and eventually became a very successful engineer for the next 20 years, working supervisor positions here and abroad. He told me to take it easy and focus on the job at hand. I told him he's probably my idol because I'll be 25 soon and hopefully I'll graduate soon. He always makes me feel better, and that's another thing to be thankful for.

Next time, I'll try to write about the little things I've learned so far. This entry has served its purpose for now.