chasing circles

I'm dizzy. Nauseous. 

I feel a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. I keep running in circles and chasing the wrong things. Sometimes, I realize I'm about to get lost before I totally lose it. I keep asking myself what do I want? I want sunshine, creative people, inspiring people, more sunshine, and more passionate people surrounding me.

Earlier tonight I asked myself when was the last time I truly felt alive. There goes the lump again. I remember it was a really busy day. I've always had busy days before. I have about 3-4 exams on that day yet I was making a nail polish costume for myself. I felt like I was beginning to be a part of something that was greater than myself, so I better make a really good, humongous nail polish costume I could fit myself into. There was no time to study. Just work, cut, paint, and act. After a draining day of dancing and singing like a fool, I went home to my dorm and somehow, I felt I can do it all over again, no questions asked. I always felt like I was really onto something big. Regardless of how tired I felt, I was on to something. Something I feel was going to make me "great."

Now I'm just tired. There's no something great. Just tired.