life update

i'm afraid of getting used to this. what is this?

every morning i wake up like the world is my oyster. literally. after quitting my good-paying job, enrolling back to school, i'm acting like that was the end of the journey. i know it was just the beginning. barely the beginning to say the least. in this whole get-my-shit-together phase, i am backsliding a little (or not).

at first it was just an innocent way of taking my time. the impetus of all this was a vacation and a semi-remodeled apartment. by then, i would take long showers, a good night sleep, a homemade breakfast, read some and do nothing in between. who wouldn't love that? or better yet, who wouldn't be addicted to such an easy life. when i began justifying the situation on my mind, that's when it hit me. i am spiraling down again.

1. school. i know i need to get this over with. why? just so i can say to myself that i have finally finished my degree. and yet i find it hard to focus because i'm being crippled by my procrastination. it's that same feeling of dragging yourself to work. it's not that i hate my thesis topic, it's just it's too damn hard. i have long doubted my ability to write something intellectual about something i barely understood. i mustered all my energy into reading what i'm supposed to be reading, it's just not sinking in. it becomes unbearable. there are times i consider having this done in recto. even though, i would never do such a thing, sometimes it is tempting. but then again, all i need is to try harder. try hardest perhaps. lately i have acquired this habit of feeling no pressure at all. if i'm faced with difficulty in understanding my thesis or working on it, i pause and then think to myself that there's no point in panicking. i kept thinking i just need to do it. that's all.

last weekend, i watched the film An Education, where carry mulligan's character said all the things that's been running through my mind. part of me just doesn't want to finish at all (that's the problem right). i'm stuck in my escapism. i, too, just want to go to paris, eat delicious food, smoke cigarettes and wear black. sometimes i'm amazed at how stupid and decadent i have become. but the message of the film that struck me the most is that "there is no short cut to life". that simple statement was enough for a bitchslap. sometimes we just have to do things even if we don't want to. sacrifice and hard work. see, i kind of know that. i just have to be reminded everyday.

2. work. part of the plan was to work online. i treat it as like waitressing. a job to pay the bills, but something that doesn't tie me up to an 8-5 routine. i haven't started on this yet. big surprise no? i'm planning to do this once i submit my chapter one. another thing that's been bothering me is our ukay business, pepita. i have learned lots of things over this little feud. me and my three other friends started out a small clothing business. turns out, we had different intentions in doing it. to cut the long story short, we are branching out. i decided to stay with pepita and have been planning great things for it next year. this, i am really excited about. i have always wanted to involve myself with clothing, shoes and bags. my vision is to just enjoy the process of doing this business and just deal with the big business stuff if we ever get to that point. right now, i'm in no hurry to be rich. seriously. i just want to do things that make me happy. period.

3. love. i want to believe i've had enough. i've spent enough of my time on this. as cliche as it may sound, i should just focus on my separate self now. truth be told, the internet helped a lot. i may have acted stupid lots and lots of times, but i always tell myself to take responsibility for my actions, and i am still young. i just have to rebuild my mojo by not looking for any more validation from others but myself. i've learned never to sell myself short any longer. the nights maybe cold for now, but i trust it will get better in time.

it did help that i cling on certain power thoughts all through out this shit. one that rings true right now is start with upping the standards of what i expect of myself. i've read somewhere that if we truly want to change ourselves, we start out by listing all the things we won't tolerate anymore. that's the key word, tolerate. i think i have tolerated a lot of things in my life and coupled it with so much inaction. that's my biggest mistake. and everyday i'm learning to overcome that difficulty.

"If you sort your life out with determination, there’s not much to complain about. It’s the inaction that breeds discontent. Or the refusal to take responsibility for your choices."